A little something I got from my friends at work - Some of this makes sense

Jeff Foxworthy on Ohio:

All I have to say is “Go Bucks!”
You might be from Ohio (pronounced O-hi-uh), if:
You think all Pro football teams are supposed to wear orange!
You know all the 4 seasons: winter, still winter, almost winter and
construction..
You live less than 30 miles from some college or university.
You know what a buckeye really is, and have a recipe for candied ones.
“Toward the lake” means “north” and “toward the river” means “south.”
You know if other Ohioans are from southern or northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouths.
You can spell words like Cuyahoga, Olentangy, Bellefontaine, Tuscarawas, Wapakoneta and you know which letter is doubled in Cincinnati.
“Vacation! ” means spending a day at Cedar Point in the summer and deer hunting in the fall.
You measure distance in minutes
Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
You’ve had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.
You know what should be knee-high by the Fourth of July.
You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. For example:
“Where’s my coat at?”
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both
unlocked.
You think of the major four food groups as corn, pork, beer, and Jell-O
salad with marshmallows.
You carry jumper cables in your car.
You know what ‘pop’ is.
You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
(Amen!)
You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires six pages for sports.
If you actually get these jokes — then forward ‘em to your OHIO friends!

HOW FIGHTS START

1: When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive…..so, I took her to a gas station…..
and that’s how the fight started…..

2: I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that’s how the fight started…

3: After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too’.
And that’s how the fight started…..

4: My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table. My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’ ‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s
my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up
those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’ ‘My God!’
says my wife, ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?’
And that’s how the fight started…..

5: I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!!!’ So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’
And that’s how the fight started…..

6: I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first. ‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare please.’ He said,
‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’ ‘Nah, she can order for
herself.’
And that’s how the fight started…..

I received the following story from my friend Sheri - please read it all the way it’s worth it…

SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER……

You don’t have to own a cat to appreciate this one!
You don’t even have to like ‘em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We
turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our
pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab
company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front
door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots
back into the front door. We didn’t want the cat shut in the house
because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi,
while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in
hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn’t want the driver to
know that the hous e will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the
taxi driver that I will be out soon, ‘He’s just going upstairs to say
Goodbye to my mother.’

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. ‘Sorry I took so long,’ I
said, as we drove away. ‘That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I
had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to
take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a
blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat
ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! The cab driver hit
a parked car.